January 2, 2012
It feels so neat to be able to finally type “2012″ on my keyboard. The digits have been floating in my head for a few months now, but having it solidly on the screen is a rather exciting token of it’s reality.

Since moving out of our old loft in Philly several months ago, my workout routine has been in a serious state of flux. I secretly pouted for a little longer than I care to admit about not being close enough to my old yoga studio anymore. Then I tried another studio closer to where I live now and realized it was still a serious haul. Anyone who lives even remotely close to a Bikram studio is absolutely on my jealously list right now. It is such a blessing to be able to easily slide it into your day when it’s just a mere hop skip and jump away. I didn’t mean for that to rhyme.

Combine my very busy business with a big move and a lot of family time and you’ve got a workout routine that got tucked into a corner and forgotten very quickly. With this realization in mind, I’ve decided its wise to chuck all of my old habits and just decide to start fresh in my new neighborhood and lifestyle. I am refreshed now remembering that holding on to the past can be downright unhealthy, and I think I’ve been doing just that over the past few months. I wanted so badly to have my old Bikram schedule back, while not fully embracing the fact that this cannot happen with so many new and wonderful blessings in my life .

There is a time and place for everything. As much as I may fantasize, being able to pull out Bikram 6 days a week with a few doubles mixed in while getting an awesome business with huge demand up and running and being around for my step children after school Monday through Friday just isn’t in the cards right now. So in this time and place, I have decided to go back to my running roots, while mixing in yoga dvds and strength-training dvds whenever I can.

Although I decided this rather grudgingly at first, I am actually getting a kick out of it now. It’s fun to feel my muscles adapting to new movements and feel my body doing awesome things to adjust to it all. The best thing is, it gives me renewed confidence to know that wherever I may be, I always have the tools I need to get the most out of life. So if you too are in a bit of a workout lull due to major life changes, perk up! I understand its challenging at first, but stop looking in the past and create what you want now from where you are now. Believe me, you’ll feel much better for it.

December 14, 2011
Guess who’s been getting reacquainted with her running shoes over the past few days? I hope any super die-hard Bikram heads can forgive me when I say this, but no matter how challenging, healing, and wonderful the hot room can be, sometimes there’s no greater feeling than slapping on some running shoes and just flying out the door.

Let me back up and let you know that at this point in my life, without the yoga healing my knees over the past few years, I highly doubt that I would be able to step out of anyone’s door, let alone fly. I feel so extremely lucky to have become such a regular Bikram-nut, but it’s also what keeps me so much more open to dipping my toe into other forms of exercise. I really feel like I can conquer anything with the practice coursing through my veins…

December 12, 2011
It’s amazing how much time has progressed since last typing on these pages, and since last connecting with my virtual bikram crew. Since July, I have acquired 15 new retail locations for Fitbliss Organics, successfully initiated the opening of the Fitbliss Organics online store, and moved to a new home in order to be closer in proximity to my step children.

This kind of life change has been absolutely phenomenal to be a part of, but it has also left my head spinning. Like most human beings, I find comfort in routine. While getting this new business off the ground, routine has become amazingly foreign to me. Pair that with having my step children in my life every single day, and you have someone who went from health and fitness blogger to full time business owner and mommy of two.

For these reasons, I have been much more connected to this site in spirit than anything else. I think of my readers daily, and craft wonderful posts and photo shoots in my mind regularly. Getting them out into reality has become another story altogether, as I am usually in the midst of reading with my step son or studying for a grammar test with my step daughter when these posts hit me.

My Bikram Yoga practice has been irregular but still kicking. I love this yoga so much. Over the past 5 months, the theme of my practice has morphed into gratitude and love for my body and how hard it works for me every day. I am still so absolutely thankful for even finding this practice and being able to care for my body in such a perfectly healing and lovely way.

As I craft my goals for this wonderful company I’ve created, understand that my love for my yoga practice has only grown since the day I started, and will continue to do so. I am so excited about regularly updating the diary and sharing all of my little epiphanies, secret moments, funny realizations, etc. in this diary in the days, months, and years to come…;)

July 21, 2011
Yesterday I read a quotation that read something like: “If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, would you be happy with what you’re doing today?” It really slapped me in the face that the timing of that question was supremely perfect. I have had whispers of this very question haunting the back of my mind for many years since beginning a career out of college, and oftentimes, the answer was “no”.

Although it took a while (as I imagine it does for most), I am most proud of the fact that I have diligently cultivated my work life to make certain that I did love what I was doing today. Even if my choice of profession wasn’t always the most glamorous or interesting, I was comforted by knowing that it was leading me to a larger goal.

It’s a wonderful feeling to wake up knowing that what I am doing in my life is contributing to waves of change being felt around the world. I’m elated to have created products that are benefiting my customers’ bodies and health in a myriad of positive ways. I am also very excited to have the opportunity to be in the hot room every single second I get, creating my own happiness and nurturing my well-being so that I can be better for everyone around me.

July 20, 2011
Seeing as it has been so long since I’ve updated this yoga diary, I found it a bit awkward sliding back on. I felt apprehensive and nervous that I fell behind on entries. It reminds me that oftentimes the most difficult part of a task is not executing it, but just starting it. This theme can apply to many things in our lives, including most notably eating healthy and exercising.

Even with the best intentions and planning, we all tend to stray a little off of our tracks sometimes in order to focus attention toward other aspects of our lives for a while – it’s only natural. I think when this happens, the majority of us tend to feel like we’ve failed our missions and beat ourselves up over not executing our fitness goals instead of just happily getting back on course and shrugging off our missteps.

This month I have been making very steady progress toward absolutely nothing in my Bikram Yoga practice. I am just happy to find that I actually made it to the hot room on most days that I’m there. I am very accustomed to schedules, calendars, and set routine – but have found that now juggling a whole family’s calendar means the yoga studio does not always come first. I have a feeling that once I get the hang of this, I’ll be back in the hot room much more steadily, but for now, I am loving every second of mat time I can get…

July 4, 2011
There are only a few minutes left of this lovely holiday weekend, and while enjoying the fireworks from the horizon in front of me, I wanted to reflect on how important it is to cherish these tiny moments. Lately, I have not had as much time or energy as I would like to devote to this wonderful site, but that does not mean it isn’t still woven into my daily life. Just as my camera captures tiny moments of my life to share with the world, my mind has done the same over the past several weeks. I’ve been enjoying a whirlwind summer full of children, new friends, and rich, bonding moments with my husband. Just as the yoga teaches us to love every moment of our practice without judgements, I have done the same with life this summer. And it is so much sweeter because of it…

June 22, 2011
A few weeks ago I was at a park with my stepson to get some fresh air in the middle of the day. After an hour or so of pushing the swing and cheering him to the finish on the monkey bars, I noticed a group of school-age children pouring onto the scene to tackle the playground equipment. My stepson was delighted to have instant playmates and I was content to observe how kids interact “these days”. I realized pretty quickly that there’s very little difference in conversation between now and just a decade or two ago. The biggest fact I took from my observation was not how much has changed in children but how much we forget as adults.

Several of the kids were sweet enough to help my stepson learn a few fun maneuvers on the equipment, many of which were very physically challenging. It was the coolest thing watching the kids pep themselves up to go through their self-created obstacle course by mumbling things like: “I’m super duper Christopher, and I can do ANYthing” before taking off. Some didn’t have vocal mantras, but they did have cool little preparations to build confidence they’d instinctively do before diving down the slide.

It’s funny to me how we humans have this built-in confidence as kids, but it somehow gets teased, socialized, or isolated out of us as we grow older. I almost felt badly thinking about how the Christopher kid would surely get teased so much, he’d eventually stop his little pump-up chant before doing something challenging and scary. This is one of the surefire ways that we as humans learned to get sucked into mediocrity, by feeling pressure from our peers to fit in and not look foolish.

That day at the playground has inspired me in major ways. Now before doing something intimidating and challenging like wiggling my way into an advanced Bikram pose or getting on an important business call, I think of the kid in me doing a little dance to shake out the jitters and reminding herself how awesome she is and I can’t help but smile a little…

June 1, 2011
I am so excited I could pop. I just got official and final word today that Fitbliss organic bath and body products are approved to sell in the Mid-Atlantic region for Whole Foods Market. It will take a few days to get all the products into the system, but I couldn’t be more thrilled. This is a project I’ve been working on for a while and it feels so good to watch it grow into something larger and more meaningful every day.

Of course, the best part about it is that I now get to have a little celebration. First stop: the yoga studio. I can’t think of a better way to get the party started than sweat out all of my little fears and inhibitions about the product line. It feels like the beginning of something great, and I’m so excited to contribute to the growing community of people out there demanding not only organic foods, but organic skincare products in their lives. So exhilarating to be able to supply a product that I completely trust on my own body for others. The funniest thing about it is, up to this point, no part of the process was as rigorous or demanding as holding camel for a full minute.

May 31, 2011
The very first studio where I fell in love with Bikram Yoga was in Alpharetta, Georgia. It’s owned by a great couple. It was always super clean, meticulously decorated, and very spa-like. Every time I walked in, it felt like I was there for a spa day, and I loved every minute of it.

My absolute favorite part of class was during final savasana when the teacher would open the back door and let the cold air rush into the room, breathing new life into the studio and leaving me refreshed for the rest of the day. I still think of the feeling of the cold air slowly curling around my toes, and up to my knees and wrists. Best feeling ever.

May 27, 2011
Today I accidentally started to experiment with one-legged wheel, a posture I somehow always assumed I wouldn’t be able to get into. I decided on a whim to join my favorite studio owner Jess for a backbending session where a group of us spent a lot of time going over some amazingly challenging moves like advanced series lunges and 1 minute cobra drills. Toward the end of the session, Jessica demonstrated how to get into one-legged wheel and my bending buddy and I decided to have a go at it.

It felt so good to carefully push my body to open up and try something my mind said it couldn’t. Bending back, placing my forearms on the floor, and slowly reaching for my foot was a scary feeling indeed. I could feel my confused muscles begging for balance, along with an explanation as to what in the world was going on. But after a bit of maneuvering I was able to clasp my hands to my foot and at least get the feel of the posture, if only for a moment.

I love how much of a life lesson this was for me. Being able to take the opportunity to open up and try new things when presented with a task is really most of the battle in life. I was so tempted to say no to training today, so tempted to not do it at the last moment, so tempted to walk away when shown step by step how to get into one of the most beautiful postures in the series. But I chose to follow through, and I’m so glad I did.

May 26, 2011
I love to take road trips to visit friends and family scattered across the U.S. About 5 or 6 years ago, I decided to go visit my aunt in Texas. Following her around is one of my favorite pastimes, as she has one of the coolest careers ever. She’s played piano for many many years, and has been an accompanist for amazing dance companies like The Dance Theater of Harlem. When I caught up with her, we spent the morning at the UT dance department before heading to Ballet Austin.

During these little jaunts, it’s generally understood that as my aunt plays, I stick close to the piano and simply observe rehearsal, disappearing into the background (this is probably all in my head, as its rather difficult to disappear into anything as a 5′ 10” woman with a mass of curly hair). The point is, it’s fascinating just how much inspiration I gather from these visits. Being so close to the music pouring from the piano as I watch these amazing dancers readily respond to each note with impeccable precision practically gives me chills. And that’s just the warmup.

During this particular session, by the time the dancers got into the full crescendo of practice, you could feel their emotions – the push to create beauty in every line of their bodies as they moved. I singled out two dancers who, for some reason, were different from the others. One was all grace and line: effortlessly shooting limbs and perfect placement. She was such a natural, there was almost a sense of entitlement to her presence, but not as much in a negative sense as in a practical one. She was born to the ballet, and no one or thing had ever contested that fact.

The other woman who caught my eye was absolutely captivating, but this wasn’t apparent right away. She appeared rather plain, and not as long-limbed and graceful as the others. In fact, one of the reasons I first found her among the crowd was due to the fact that she didn’t look as though she “belonged”. Such a funny word that is, in such a context – how we humans naturally weed things out and try our best to cram them into boxes to make order out of chaos.

I soon realized that the thing that separated her was the thing that made her great. Her powerful legs – though not as long, were able to shoot her into the air just a little higher than the rest. At each note, her bones collected around her not in a practiced grace, but in powerful spurts of movement that spoke of nothing but sheer want. It seemed as if the last thing she was born to was the ballet, but her passion for this notoriously rigorous and trying form of dance contested fate. And passion had won.

I have always slightly questioned the “point” of being happy and why it is so important in each of our individual lives. Given, I am naturally (and rather luckily) an extremely joyous person who makes it a point to either create or reflect upon happiness in her life daily, but there are times when I question its importance and validity. Would it be wiser to spend that same time and energy doing something a bit more traditionally “productive”? How does pouring my passion into doing what I absolutely love more than anything else do for the rest of the world?

Whenever this question pops into my mind, I remember that dancer and my answer comes rushing in loudly like a giant wave crashing into a cliff. The answer is, you can’t afford NOT to do the thing that makes you happy. I can’t even begin to imagine how many naysayers that dancer came upon throughout her career. Clearly she saw past it, because its what made her happy. Watching her that day changed something in me. Witnessing someone pen their love letter to the world through their own chosen form of expression can be extremely moving and inspiring. I may have little interest in ballet, but there’s nothing like seeing someone connect with their reason for being. It makes you connect with yours all the more readily.

I do find much of my passion in the hot room. There are other things that make me very very happy, but they don’t really compare to the heat and the twist, the bend and the grace, the meditation and finding of your spirit on the mat and in the mirror for 90 minutes. I must move forward with the trust that I am not only doing what I must to create my happiness, but that I am also helping to create it in the world.

May 25, 2011
Lately I’ve been doing doubles in order to slide serious amounts of yoga into my week. It’s the ultimate treat, and my new form of reward after having a particularly busy day at my desk. Beyond the obvious physical benefits, I get the most from the mental. Having that much time to sort out your emotions, fears, milestones, and accomplishments feels amazing. I always leave feeling more and more assured that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life at this very moment.

As in many classes, there seemed to be a common theme running through my head. It was pretty challenging during the first session to not let my thoughts float to work endeavors. When I get excited about a particular project, I obsess over making it “perfect” as quickly as possible, doing my best to shove all of the pieces together and make it work fast. During my second class immediately following the first, I helped address my unreasonable expectations by comparing it to the yoga.

If I were a new student who decided to take the 26-posture series by storm and contort my body into all kinds of shapes before my muscles were conditioned, or before my joints and ligaments had the time and practice to open up properly, I would be at risk of an injury. I have a feeling now is the time to apply this same formula to business. I need to do the work and approach every day as an opportunity to learn and slowly open my brain up to how things work.

I feel so lucky to have discovered this yoga, and so lucky to have these moments to reflect and sort out all of the lessons learned in the hot room that can then easily be applied to real life.

May 17, 2011
When I took Clint for a walk this morning, it dawned on me that he relies on his sense of smell more than anything to navigate his way through the world. Anyone who’s watched Animal Planet for longer than 4 minutes knows this, but what I saw today was complete and total evidence of it.

Before we even got outside, he sniffed my pants to make sure they were my “going outside” pants as opposed to my pajama pants. He got a little excited when we got to the elevator and pulled his leash a little too much for my liking. As I shot him a quick look of disdain, he sniffed me. I really think he could smell my mood alter from good to annoyed in just a split second. He backed away and gave me the “I’m sorry” face, which is remarkably similar to that act Puss in Boots always pulls in Shrek.

You may be wondering what in the world any of this nonsense has to do with yoga. Since first practicing in the hot room, I get really cool reminders every day of just how powerful and important our skin is in the grand scheme of our lives. It is not only an amazing communicator to the world around us through pheromones, etc., but it receives just as much as it puts out. This shouldn’t be a surprise, considering its our largest organ.

When you’re in the hot room and your pores are sweating and completely open, you can pick up on many things around you – including whatever it was you decided to put on your skin that day. When I first started practicing, I would take a very quick shower before and after class for this very reason – to rinse off whatever unnatural build-up had accumulated on my skin so it wouldn’t absorb into my body even more than it already had. So be good to your skin and mindful of what you put on it. Even if you’re not big on sweating, you’re still communicating a lot to the outside world by what you put on your skin.

May 16, 2011
In this moment, the dishes are piled up on the counter, the dog must be walked, a large essay is due, the bedroom looks like war, and I am preparing for two huge meetings this week. The funny thing is, even with all of this floating around in my head, I am focusing solely on the hot room right now.

I have a feeling this is becoming a bit of a Pavlovian response to large activity in my life. Anytime big and exciting events occur, I love to have a good dose of yoga to help calm my nerves and get my perspective set straight. It does a wonderful job of creating order where at first I only see chaos and stress. In case you haven’t noticed, I think I’m beginning to do yoga in my head even more than I do yoga in the body.

That sounds kooky at first, but they could possibly be one in the same. The idea gives the term “yogabrain” a whole new level of meaning. Mostly, it leads me to believe you really can do yoga anywhere, anytime, anyplace. No need for fancy equipment and outfits, just doing postures in your mind and connecting with your own breathing and visualization will get you there.

I went to the studio yesterday, and will probably end up going again this afternoon – but in between classes, focusing on breathing and relaxing while in the midst of custodial and business duties will benefit me in major ways.

May 12, 2011
I’m about to be on my way to yoga and I am so excited. I realize over this past week that a huge benefit of getting an unlimited pass is the green light of possibilities for a whole month. Although I wasn’t able to make it into my favorite studio since Monday evening, I’ve been happily brewing up plans to go each and every day. So maybe work got in the way, but I happily resigned myself to trying again tomorrow, and that in itself felt so good to do.

So as my reward for working all day yesterday and into the late night, I’ve decided to shuffle around my schedule and go into the studio this morning. A delicious reward indeed.

May 9, 2011
I finally ended the torture last week and decided to get a monthly unlimited pass to my Bikram yoga studio. I’ve had a lot of amazing developments happen with work and have been going full-speed for the past few weeks, using the yoga unlimited pass as a reward for powering through it all. I think I let it go a little too long before actually giving myself the reward, but I’m at least glad I did it all the same.

The whole process of a setting goals and rewarding myself is something that’s become a habit over the years. In all, it’s a wonderful way to get things done, but I suspect I’ve been unnecessarily harsh on myself a few times. For instance, I wouldn’t actually buy the yoga pass until I had completed some major business goals I set out for myself. This is good, but a bit excessive. I wish I would have cut myself some slack and done it after meeting even a few of the goals. Because once my body hit that hot room again, I felt like I was in heaven.

The same way a runner gets that thrill from their first step onto the course, or a softball player from grabbing the bat to go face the pitcher, or the first time your paddle strikes the water on a canoe trip across a lake, all these first moves create a rippling thrill of anticipation, excitement, and sheer joy for what my body is to accomplish that day. Stepping into the hot room and feeling that moisture and humidity slowly wrap itself like a swaddling blanket around my feet, legs, chest, neck, and into your lungs is one of my favorite sensations. Like a hug from an unidentified friend, the heat greets and comforts, and I have trouble thinking of a better way to begin my month.

May 3, 2011
It seems as though every one around me these days is doing a 30 day challenge, and I’m starting to feel like the kid who didn’t get invited to the birthday party. Of course, in this case, there is no invitation but my own willingness to make it happen. I know that this is not the ideal point in my life to heap such expectations upon myself, but it’s fun to imagine executing a challenge all the same.

I’ve had many exciting developments take place in the past few weeks with Fitbliss Organics, which is wonderful, but all of the activity has kept my butt glued to the desk chair. When times like this occur, I really like to weave the yoga into my everyday musings, picturing myself in wall backbends as I sweep the kitchen floor, or imagining curving my spine into a beautiful letter “c” in rabbit while scrubbing down the refrigerator. I’m a firm believer that if you imagine doing things in your mind, you trick your body into believing it’s happening.

April 24, 2011
My goodness how crazy it is to not have been to the yoga studio in a week now. I’ve done a pretty good job of at least hitting it once a week over the past month or so, but this one has been filled with wonderfully intense demands from Fitbliss Organics. So many wonderful developments have taken place, and it’s so exciting to realize how close we are to being on store shelves. The yoga has sat patiently like an obedient dog waiting to be walked by his master, whimpering every now and then but just waiting for his cue to go out and play.

A large part of me (the critical perfectionist) has told me that I have no business writing a yoga diary if I’m not actually in the studio that often. My loving and accepting side strongly holds her ground in this argument, letting me know that this is, actually, all part of the yoga. If I went every day and followed through every single workout goal to the tee I would be a robot. Do I complete most goals? Yes. Do I complete them all? No.

This concept is what separates the women from the girls in the world of athleticism. If you can’t come to terms with one or two missed days, a little bit of failures mixed in with successes, a few embarrassing re-emergence scenarios after skipping out a few classes too many, you’re not going to be a happy and grounded athlete. Make a goal – if you fail, pick up and make the goal again. Fail? Pick up and do it again. Believe me, you are much braver for setting high standards for yourself in the first place.

A newbie could easily peek at a few of a seasoned yogi’s poses and marvel at their seeming perfection – that’s because they didn’t witness the thousands of tiny failures it took to get to that one beautiful crescendo. Be willing to work, and fall, and work, and fail, and work, and miss out, and work, and lose, and work. It’s all part of life.

April 20, 2011
Walking into the hot room, I sometimes feel like I’m getting a chance to breathe for the first time that day. After practicing for so long, I suspect my lungs’ alveoli are trained to sense the heightened moisture and heat in the air when I enter the studio, so they work even more efficiently at exchanging gas with oxygen. I love feeling my lungs relax, readying themselves for the pranayama breathing that helps improve their elasticity instantly.

When I first began actually listening to the dialogue in pranayama breathing, I didn’t necessarily believe that all the instructor was saying was applicable. But I did have faith enough to keep going, keep inhaling deeper, keep exhaling more air out at every breath. I started noticing my cardio capacity improve immediately. With everything. Be it swimming, running, biking, or walking to my parked car from a store entrance. I love how much this practice opens open my body and improves things I didn’t even know could be improved. What a gift.

April 17, 2011
I sat on my mat during a huge part of the standing series during yesterday’s Bikram Yoga class. I made the mistake of drinking a smoothie only 30 minutes before class. I was so hungry that morning, I talked myself into believing that a smoothie would be the same thing as any other liquid beverage like water or juice, and therefore not make me nauseous only a few minutes into the series.

Once in a while these “mistakes” happen, but I took it as an opportunity to learn something about my body and my mind instead of just getting frustrated. I put mistakes in quotations because I believe that everything happens for a reason, no matter how annoying or tragic it may be. In this case, I made sure to really talk myself through my breaks on the floor while everyone else was standing. It took a bit of energy to not be negative, but by triangle, I had the positive self-talk thing down pat. I was just breathing deeply, staring at my own eyes in the mirror, grateful to have all of my senses, even if they were telling me that my body wasn’t feeling well that day.

I like to think this is a good metaphor for life. Sometimes we may be literally knocked down. Maybe not everything is going as planned, or you’re in the midst of a series of setbacks and it seems as though you may never “catch a break”. That’s certainly how I felt in that room, rising up thinking that I had gotten through a wave of nausea, only to find myself engulfed in another one. But it’s during these episodes of challenges that we are really able to find our true peace. If you can be good-natured, steady, and keep up a positive attitude when you’re down for the count, you will get back up to find even greater fortune in life. By the end of class, I still had the same euphoric feeling that comes over me after most classes. I was still able to reap the benefits of the practice and continue on to make the rest of the day a great one. I’m so thankful to have this practice to remind of these important life lessons.

April 12, 2011
As the rain is at my window and I look out on another chilly day, I can’t help but be excited and thankful for what this weather brings. Something about gray days and rain lure me to the studio at light speed. I can just close my eyes right now and imagine myself being lulled into meditation to the sound of my favorite teacher’s voice while lying in savasana and listening to the rain make muffled pops against the window. But that’s not even my favorite part.

Leaving the studio and walking to my car in the pouring rain after a Bikram Yoga class has got to be one of the best feelings in the world. The smell of wet, hot concrete, the rain evaporating as soon as it hits my hot skin, mixed with the feeling of supreme satisfaction of finishing another great workout just can’t be beat. I’m always left with a smile after my hour and a half sweatfest, but the rain just adds a bonus element of joy.

April 11, 2011
My body felt completely fluid during my last yoga practice. Now that the weather is slowly turning, I can feel my muscles warming faster and more efficiently in the hot room. If I allow myself to simmer in the room at least 10 minutes before class starts, I’m as bendy as Gumby.

I began with backbends against the wall before class began, and I had an interesting epiphany occur when I did. When I first started doing backbends last summer, I could barely breathe when arching back and feeling for the wall. Slowly climbing down from there felt nothing but all kinds of wrong. I remember wondering if I was doing it correctly, and if the pain in my lower back would ever subside when climbing back up. Now, many months later, my muscles are much better trained and I’m able to separate myself and observe better how my body reacts to the actual movement.

What I’ve finally discovered in my body is that the backbend has very little to do with the flexibility of my lower back and everything to do with the strength in my thoracic spine. I remember my yoga teachers at my current studio saying this me, as well as the teachers and students at other studios I’ve practiced at – but I could never fully feel what they meant by it.

This is a supreme example of my faith in this practice. The Bikram Yoga dialogue has its way of becoming ingrained in you. By sheer osmosis alone, hearing the same words repeated over and over again slowly work their magic on your body like water over rocks. Just give it enough time and the dialogue and its wisdom will worm its way into your bones. Now when I backbend in any asana, I focus on lifting my chest toward the sky while pulling my scapulae back as far as they’ll go.

Reveling in my new found “thoracic breakthrough” felt so amazing during class. It makes me so thankful for this yoga and all that it brings to me and my life. Every hour and a half practice is like a mini lesson on life and just how rewarding patience, persistence, and little bit of pain can be to achieve phenomenal things.

April 7, 2011
This morning I woke with a strange feeling of loathing for the day ahead – a feeling I had to consciously turn around in order to get out of bed in a good mood. When I pondered the source of that feeling, I knew it had to do with my general lack of exercise and yoga over the past week.

Although I’ve set trips to the studio and a few trips to the treadmill on my mental calendar a few times this past few weeks, I haven’t had the chance to execute. Most of this comes to changes in plans or in simply not being prepared enough to get to the studio (i.e. dehydrated, eating in the 3 hour window before class), but taking this mental survey really got me to thinking.

One of the only things that’s kept me on course in leading a healthy lifestyle is a very strong sense of forgiveness and non-rigidity when it comes to nutrition and exercise. With Bikram Yoga, yes, there are times when rigid routine has been comforting and has felt good: wake up, drink a few liters of water, drive to the studio, have a very nutritious meal right after, repeat the following day.

Such clockwork is not a part of my current life, although I’m sure it will be sometime very soon. So in the interim, I am patient with myself, asking what I can of my body to stay healthy, even if that means only a few jogs a week and one Bikram Yoga class a week. The art is found in forgiving myself up for not coming into the studio as frequently as I’d like, and reminding myself that all that I can give in this very moment IS enough. That I do deserve a healthy body and diet even if I’m not always super-active and getting in all of my green leafy vegetables. We are human, and it’s all part of the yoga.

April 6, 2011
I am currently in the habit of learning every day to forgive myself for not being able to accommodate every facet of my life all at once. I am one who loves to drink in every drop of life, dipping and diving into any and every project that sounds interesting and exciting. It has been a habit in the past to over commit to such dealings, but I’m at a good point in life to step back a bit and assess what I need first and foremost.

Every visit to the hot room nowadays is like planning a vacation to an exotic island of euphoria. I want to visit every day, but what with the exciting projects in the works, I know that they come first, and executing them feels almost as amazing a Bikram Yoga class. I’ve decided to have a go at planning my trips to the studio – actually mapping them out on a calendar a few days in advance as a carrot to help me burn through my to-do list.

April 3, 2011
I ache for yoga right now. I had a false start yesterday morning when I thought for sure I’d be able to make it into the studio, but no dice. Mostly because my efforts, resources, and time are being steered toward major business ventures. The Fitbliss Organics product line is off to a start, albeit slow, jumpy, and filled with mishaps.

I like to think that’s part of the reason I’m missing so much of the hot room right now. I am able to apply so many of the lessons learned in that space to my daily life, and they couldn’t be more relevant. I’ve mentioned that I tend to err on the side of perfectionism. So just as when entering that hot room, in creating a business, I have no idea what’s going to happen between that first step in the room and final savasana. In Bikram Yoga, no matter how well-prepared or hydrated or rested I may think I am, my body can easily throw me for a loop. In business, no matter how much money or effort you throw toward a project to force it into success, you still may not get what you want out of it.

The big lesson in this is that just as in yoga, paying attention is key. I may go into that room with certain expectations and intentions, but life may have a different plan that day. And I think it’s pretty safe to state that this plan is usually better. In business I’m learning the importance of paying attention to my customer and learning what it is they really need or want. I can spend all day whipping up a miracle lotion in gorgeous packaging, but the customer may be screaming for something completely different. Adapting is key, and I love that Bikram Yoga has taught me this so well.

*Just a little sidenote – I’m really enjoying indulging in this part of the blog. I actually look forward to updating this section more than any of the others because its a space to just express myself with no expectations or worry about how people will respond. If you do read it regularly, thank you. It means a lot to me that you’re willing to listen without the frills and photos and jazz attached to the rest of this site. It’s like a pared-down essence of my love for Bikram Yoga, which is such a major part of my life, so your willingness to indulge with me is happily appreciated.

If you want to take a sneak peak at our progress, click on this: fitblissorganics.com It is new, it is undone, it is the sweetest little rough draft, and I’m happy to share it in all its newborn glory to you, my lovely reader.

March 31, 2011

I have been completely immersed in the lives of my stepchildren over the past several days, but made it into the hot room yesterday for a glorious hour and a half of heaven. One of the things I’ve had the most fun with while spending time with these two amazing kids is observing their resilience and youth, both in abilities and in spirit. Watching a 5-year-old bounce around on the playground, constantly falling over and getting back up while challenging to race his older (and taller) sister 400 meters around a track has reminded me of just how naturally athletic and brilliantly pliable we human beings are designed.

Being on the playground with them, I was so thankful for my Bikram yoga practice. I love how every class makes me beyond sure that I am restoring balance and pouring healing energy back into my body. I was so happy to have the opportunity to join the kids in playtime, following them, racing right alongside them, sliding through the fun equipment, swinging and climbing every minute we were there. I am downright positive that none of this would have been possible without my yoga practice.

I often catch myself feeling a bit guilty sliding out of the house in the middle of quality family time to head to the studio, but this playground session was one of many reminders that I am doing these children so much more of a service by missing out on a tad bit of their day to get healthier and stay youthful for our play sessions. This balancing act can be frustrating, but taking care of yourself first is NEVER a mistake. Whatever it is you love to do to keep your sanity and your health – do it. Your family will be so much better for it.

March 26, 2011
Self discovery is one of my favorite things about practicing Bikram Yoga. Right when I least expect it, I happen upon a new part of myself that I didn’t really know (or acknowledge) existed before then. Sometimes I like to view a class as a really long hike where I stare at the path laid before my feet, searching for cues that will help me dig deeper, stretch higher, or find more emotional fulfillment that day.

Yesterday’s practice began as a mild little saunter on a city path, but quickly morphed into a jungle safari. Up until this point, my yoga class paths have been filled with peaceful little bunnies and gravel. A tiger that I hadn’t seen emerge since my competition training days showed herself in my eyes yesterday, and I was very surprised to find her.

This is often the case with me. I am a savagely competitive Type A personality dwelling in the body of a woman who pretends to be Type B. I am a wolf who dresses in sheep’s clothing every morning and tiptoes through the remainder of the day with my tail hanging out, thinking I’m fooling the world. One of the many things I’ve taught myself through my Bikram Yoga practice is to learn how to see what I may interpret as a “fault” into what it truly is: A manageable asset.

For the first time (maybe ever) I was actually proud staring into that tiger’s eyes yesterday. I was excited that she showed her face and walked through the poses with me, summoning the courage to keep going strong and slide right back into the balancing series after falling out over and over again. I didn’t feel like I had to make an effort like I do on my bunny path days, keeping a still mind and taking care not to go too far. Yesterday was my day to push, and it felt glorious.

March 24, 2011
Freezing cold rain is a typical way to bring in March in the north, but on some days I just want to be transported to a tropical island. I was so fed up with this sentiment that I pretty much dropped everything yesterday to get to an afternoon Bikram Yoga class. As soon as I hit the room I felt my skin melt like hot butter. Similar to watching solid matter turn to liquid in a microwave, I could feel my body turn into jelly from the outside in, and it felt marvelous.

There is something so beautiful to me about practicing in the heat in the dead of the cold. It feels so magical to be swiftly transported to a climate that my particular body associates only with relaxation, peace, waves, and laughter. In this wet rainy mess of a season, I not only want to come to class, it feels as though I need it in order to help survive this spring weather with my sanity intact.

March 22, 2011
I am beginning to suspect that spring is the season of 30 and 60 day challenges. Left and right I’m getting news of friends, family, Facebook buddies, and Twitter peeps doing challenges. It’s so infectious and I’m getting the bug to do one as well. I thought it could be an wonderful thing to document it for this diary, but I want to be clear that it’s not something we Bikram Yogis MUST do.

I know that a lot of studios urge doing a challenge when you’re rather new to the practice, but I decided against it when I first started. In fact, I didn’t do my first 30 day challenge until just last year – mainly to see what all the hoopla was about. After having completed one I must state that it was a phenomenal experience, but not one that is necessary in order to keep up a strong yoga practice.

I remember very tough days during the challenge when I was frustrated and sick of being wet and thirsty all of the time. It felt like my whole life got wrapped up in my yoga and some days I really craved just being outdoors or snuggling my dog instead. I felt like the goal of it for me was to finish something I secretly feared I couldn’t. I had started a 30 day challenge a few times prior to the one I completed, so it took a few tries (and a lot of marking up the calendar and PLANNING) to actually finish one.

I realized at the end of it that it was much more emotionally challenging than physically challenging. I am beginning to crave it again mainly because I haven’t been in the hot room nearly as much as I’d like lately. I have a feeling that just arranging for 3 or 4 days a week will get me back to feeling good every day.

March 21, 2011

Lately I like to go off of instinct when it comes to mat placement in the hot room. For the past month, I’ve been dead set on practicing in the very back row because I find a lot more value in observing and being inspired by everyone’s practice than focusing 100% on my own postures. There were many months when I practically had my nose touching the mirror – fully engrossed in my postures and doing my best to focus solely on my own form and my own energy. I loved every moment of it, but there is a season for everything, and for now my heart says stay in back and soak in the beauty that surrounds you.

During Saturday morning’s practice I found myself so inspired by almost everyone in the room at one point or another. I kept catching myself with a big goofy grin on my face, excited to be surrounded by such grace and determination. One young woman in the front row fell out of many of the postures during the balancing series, and I loved observing out of the very corner of my eye her steadfast approach at fine-tuning her poses with utmost precision and care. She was purposefully finding her edge in her practice and it was a joy and an inspiration to behold. Another girl right next to me was sliding into third sets with ease, and since I hadn’t had the luck of practicing next to her in a few months, I was blown away by how much her body had opened up and strengthened since I last witnessed her practice.

After several years in front of that mirror, it’s fun to sometimes let your mind wander and not always be 100% engaged in yourself. Of course, I am always staring at my own eyes, but my peripheral vision has evolved into a fine-tuned machine at this point, so I can still soak in everyone else’s postures while still working on my own.

Saturday’s class reminded me of the comforting notion that life is not always a straight line of progress and development. Or if it is, it certainly doesn’t seem that way on the surface. I love that Bikram Yoga reminds me of this twisted path by not always appearing to be a perfectly structured path of development. It’s not like, “day 1, I couldn’t lock my knee, but day 2, I could! And it’s been locked ever since!”. If it were that easy then the hot room would be packed like a can of sardines with everyone excited to get their daily ego-fix. The reality is, you never know what your practice is going to give you until you are in that room doing it. Assumption and expectation can really become your two greatest enemies in a Bikram Yoga class. The many times I’ve traveled that path I’ve almost always ended up slightly injured or hurt from pushing past my body’s limits for that particular day.

For now the yoga is not about fine-tuning my own postures, but about building up the endurance to simmer in the heat and soak in the emotional benefits. It’s a beautiful thing and I’m so grateful to be able to experience it at this point in my life.

March 20, 2011
My quads are a bit upset that I’ve been training for a race while also doing Bikram Yoga. I’ve been stumbling around the house the last few days because my hamstrings burn so badly that I’d rather look inebriated than to flex my muscles and keep my body stable. And although this can be an awkward phase of training for any person, I got to thinking about the joys of such obstacles.

When studying anatomy and biology, one subject I was most fascinated with was muscle failure. I loved learning how the energy stores in our muscle tissues depleted when challenged or stressed. The best part was the term used to describe this natural system. Most of us associate the word “failure” with a negative emotion or sentiment. But the fascinating fact of the matter is: we need these tissues to push to failure in order for them to grow and get stronger.

I think of how many times I’ve been afraid of failure in my life and I have to chuckle. Our bodies are such accurate road maps to life, if you really stop to think about it. If our muscles never fail, they will never grow, nor will they ever demand energy stores (i.e. food and calories) to be used properly. Life is really the same way. In order to find success, we usually must jump through a lot of hoops, stumble a few times, embarrass ourselves, and push past it all in order to really start getting results.

After this reminder I realize that a little bit of muscle soreness is a nice badge of honor. It lets me know I’m on the right track and helping my body stay healthy.

March 18, 2011
So here I am: 10:30 at night with the stepkids in bed, husband sound asleep, and the dog snoring violently at my feet. He’s 10 years old, so it’s kind of expected at this point. The dog, that is. Today was such a beautiful day. I woke up with big plans of and lists of what I wanted to get out of the day, and instead I got something totally different.

I’ve realized lately that my Bikram practice has made my body very flexible, but sometimes I have to remind my consciousness to follow suit. I am very much a perfectionist who tends to get her undies in a bundle at the slightest inconvenience or unplanned event that arises in my day. Today the unplanned event was picking up the kids at the exact same time I planned on going to the yoga studio. I pep-talked my way to the car, blasted some great old music that I finally found under some old boxes, and ended up getting in my exercise by joining the kids on the swing set at the park and refereeing a few close rounds of tag on the way back to our place.

I think that we Type A personalities tend to have trouble seeing the bigger picture. Sometimes my nose is so plastered to the grindstone that I need certain events and situations to occur in order for me to jerk my head up and really take a look at my surroundings. For example, the big “top-secret” project I’ve been working on for months now. Basically I’ve decided to release a line of organic bath and body care products. Woo Hoo. The way I’ve been hyping it up, I realize that half my relatives and friends suspect I’m pregnant with quadruplets. Because duh, when you get married, any and all big announcements must suddenly be centered around procreation, because apparently, that is now my sole duty in life.

Anyway. I have been working non-stop on formulas and scent combinations while my husband has been putting together the website and packaging during his very tiny increments of spare time. What I realized the other day is that I wasn’t willing to announce the big news until everything was absolutely plum perfect. I think I almost imagined a giant curtain tossed over the product line, with everyone milling about, waiting to be blown away. So Type A. I’ve learned many lessons from this: 1) When you’re newly married, you could announce that you found the cure for cancer and no one would be half as thrilled as they would be if you announced you were pregnant. 2) Your friends and family are way too busy to really give that much attention to such a new endeavor. Sure, they’re happy for you, but don’t expect the grass to stop growing in anticipation of your new website launch. 3) Just freakin’ do it and keep moving.

So in light of these new lessons, I’m happy to announce that Fitbliss Organics will be coming out soon. You can like, go to the site and buy products that are organic and safe and good for your body. And stuff. There. Now that that is over in all of its unplanned glory, I think I’ll try to make up that yoga class tomorrow morning. Or maybe I’ll just end up playing tag instead. Either way, life will go on – making it enjoyable and less big-reveal-picture-perfect is the big goal at this point anyway. Care to join me?

March 17, 2011
Sliding into the yoga studio yesterday evening felt so absolutely blissful. Funny enough, the high came a lot more from being reunited with my yoga people than it did from actually going through the 26 postures. As soon as I entered the lobby, it was obvious it was going to be a hot one. It was 86 degrees at the front desk, so I assessed pretty quickly that the room was practically on fire. As I got situated on my mat and was sauteing for a while before class, I realized what got me giddy wasn’t the fact that my shin bones were dripping sweat before the teacher even greeted us. It was the familiar voices, mats, and energy surrounding me.

Moving to Philadelphia from Atlanta a year and a half ago was a very interesting experience. It was obvious that the culture in the northeast was very different from the south. I spent a lot of time complaining to my now husband about how hard it was to meet women my age, and how closed off everyone appeared to be up here. He assured me I would find my tribe soon enough. Last night I had a serious moment on the mat because I realized that my tribe has been right in front of me for months now. Well, in front of me, to the left of me, and the right of me to be exact.

Getting through that hour and half of heat and strain is not always a breeze. It hit me last night that even though I haven’t bonded with these yogis over margaritas, shopping, or movies, we have shared some of our most intimate human experiences together through the repeated execution those 26 postures. It’s a bond formed in silence, in finding the breath, in discovering depth in awkward pose, in lifting each other through standing bow, and in regulating our hearts in savasana.

As we reached and pulled and pushed and breathed our way through the series last night, I felt the bond with my fellow yogis deepening. Through no choice of my conscious self, I dedicated my practice to the special relationships I have cultivated since first stepping foot into this studio, and repeatedly thanked circumstances for aligning me with so many amazing people in my life. It’s a gift that I am absolutely grateful to receive.

March 14, 2011
I am having a pivotal day in my fitness life. Whenever I set goals for myself – be it to train for a 5k race or finish a 30 day yoga challenge, it’s very easy to get discouraged. The first few days are the best to keep the momentum going, but then some obstacle arises that tends to get in the way of my plan. Last week I was riding high on my 5k workout plan, fitting in a yoga tape and stretching while alternating running days. This week, the goal was to toss 2 or 3 Bikram Yoga classes into the running mix. But on Thursday I started to feel a bit run down by the 28 Day Lovelies, and by Friday I was pretty much down for the count. On top of that, we decided to have the kids for the remainder of Saturday afternoon until Sunday night, so my long weekend run quickly morphed into a few laps around a rollerskating rink.

What all this activity equals is very little workouts for me since Thursday of last week. This is the moment that separates the girls from the women. I think people who want to complete yoga challenges or create a life of health for themselves often get frustrated by not having their plans open up before them as perfectly as they imagined. What I find is that adaptation and acceptance go very far in these instances. So what if I missed almost a week’s worth of workouts because life happened first? I’m grateful that I got in some playtime with the kids, a wonderful brunch with yoga friends, and some really good (and apparently much-needed) rest.

What I’m getting at is this is not the time to throw my hands up and go snack on some cookie dough. This is , however, the time to slap on my tennis shoes and get some blood moving. Maybe a lunch break walk around the block to get my head back in the game? So what it’s not on the written workout plan – do it anyway. Being healthy is a lifestyle and a state of mind that requires a lot of flexibility, forgiveness, and improvisation on our part. Work with what’s been given to you in this moment and you will be one step closer to health every day.

March 10, 2011
I am thirty-two years old and the first time I stepped into the hot room was ten years ago. Even though I have only been practicing it steadily for two and a half years, I am floored by the healing that’s taken place in my body ever since.

If one is new to the practice of Bikram Yoga, they may find it strange to hear the teacher speak about how the body is “being healed” – especially if the new student is only twenty-two. When I first heard that line at that age, I thought the teacher must have been speaking only to the septuagenarians in the room. For if anyone needed healing, it would be them! What I had yet to realize back then is that the human body’s systems are constantly in flux. Oxidation is occurring every second in every body – and at an even more rapid pace if you happen to be stressed out mentally, or frequently putting your body under a state of duress.

At no matter what age, the building blocks that make up your body are being terminated and must be replenished with new healthy cells or else you will feel creakier, older, and more drained by the second. Bikram yoga heals by flushing these newly oxygenated cells into your body through the postures. If this doesn’t make much sense to you, all you need as proof is how great you feel after class, and how shiny and fresh your skin looks the day after class. All of these are signs that the yoga is working. Go with it.

March 8, 2011
One of the things I find most fascinating about the human body is its unfathomable ability to progress and develop. There is so much genius in DNA and how it creates our own bodies. There is no audio CD that a zygote listens to in order to make their own bones. There is no Cell Renewal for Dummies guide for a teenage girl that helps cast off dead skin. Yet it happens every second of every hour, without us being even consciously aware of it.

This is one of the reasons why I find Bikram Yoga to be so fascinating. You have no real idea what’s going on inside of the miles and miles of DNA chains in your body while you’re in that hot room. As a conscious human being, you’re simply moving through a series of prescribed yoga poses. But your genius-body sees it completely differently. It takes that experience and moves mountains. And fascia, and cartilage, and ligaments. All to help heal just the simple wear and tear our bodies experience from living every day. Knowing that I’m adding to my body’s genius on a regular basis is often one of the most comforting reasons for attending class on days when I’m unmotivated.

March 7, 2011
My favorite dreams are the ones when I fly. I have them so often, I can recount exactly how it is that I gracefully maneuver through the air and soar past buildings in the blink of an eye. My body does this odd mix of running and swimming, and the air makes me as buoyant as the ocean would. I’m haunted by these dreams because when I wake, I’m left with a heavy blanket of disappointment wrapped around my body. I have tried so hard to regain that amazing feeling of flying, but it’s never as intense as the dream. I’ve found the only thing I can do to come even close to it is to swim or run.

This is where the Bikram guilt comes rushing in. I love this practice so much, that I feel as if I am somehow “cheating” on it by doing other exercises from time to time. I often forget that I fell into this practice after having pounded up my knees so badly from running, I would have done anything to try to heal them. I told myself then that I would still weave running into yoga, but I lost my passion for it pretty quickly. But now that it’s been a few years, my knees feel phenomenally juicy, loose, and strong all at once. I test them out from time to time: a quick sprint here, and slow jog there, all with a huge grin on my face from knowing that this yoga freakin’ works. So in the spirit of all that is healing, I’ve decided to slap my running shoes back on and train for a 5k. I’m excited because I’m focusing a lot more on speed work and a lot less on distance, like my old running days. I have a feeling this will help tremendously with joint pain.

March 6, 2011
Water has always been a very symbolic part of my Bikram Yoga practice. If I don’t properly prepare by drinking at least a liter or two of water before class, my energy stores deplete and I’m not able to meditate as much. I spend most energy just trying to calm the “I’M THIRRRRRRRSTAAAAAY” voice screaming in my head. And that voice is far from kind. It’s an animal voice that has no need for meditation or politeness or civility. It’s sole aim is to keep my body alive with water and cool air, both of which are at a minimum in that hot room.

Maybe the fascinating pull of opposition in the room is what keeps me coming back. In my head, there is always this tug-of-war going on in my mind. A match between primal and civil, one side screaming for water, the other kindly requesting silence for meditation. The second fight is a pull between ego and humility, one side vying for The. Best. Bow. The other side craving the majestic lull of community, all moving in unison like automatons being seduced by the rhythm of the instructor’s voice. And the third fight is between the feminist voice and the Seventeen Magazine voice, one holding a protest sign reading “love your body at all costs!” and the other fiercely chanting “burn that butter, baby!”.

My whole youth has been naively built on a false sense of black and white, good and bad, right and wrong. What Bikram Yoga has taught me is that most of life and the world is full of undeniable gray area. No one enters that room perfect, and no one leaves that room perfect. Being a yoga practitioner doesn’t magically turn you into some anointed being. Otherwise, why the hell do I still have road rage? What it does is simply help me appreciate how wonderful of a spirit I am, whether that spirit is screaming for water, scrutinizing her thighs, or having a wonderfully quiet 2 seconds of meditation, it’s all good.

March 5, 2011
I just watched a bit of the USAYoga competition online and was blown away at some of the grace and strength displayed amongst my fellow yogis. But interestingly enough, after experiencing months of advanced training and a clinic with Esak Garcia and Mary Jarvis, I now find a lot more inspiration in observing beginners. Watching someone bend themselves into a pretzel – be it yourself, a fellow yogi, or someone on television, can be a surreal experience. But after witnessing such ease and poise, I like to be refreshed and reminded just how much of a physical challenge this practice can be.

After another few weeks off, I just returned to a class last week. It felt so good to be enveloped by all the heat in that room. What felt more amazing was being surrounded by fellow students. It was a tough class, and I sat out during many of the postures because my endurance is not what it was even just a few weeks ago. But I loved the feeling of being at square one again. Sometimes when I was doing third sets and intensely training for the competition, I felt a lot of pressure to “perform” in the hot room. That is, to bring my A-Game, to seriously represent and make sure I executed every posture exactly as it should be done. That can be more mentally exhausting than anything else.

Last week it was different. I was another student among students. No third sets, no A-game. Just me, my water bottle, and a strong community of fellow yogis whose energy helped to lift me up when I was exhausted and weak. It reminded me of my beginner days in the hot room, and it felt good. I look forward to slowly building up my endurance again and finding a new level of calm and poise in the postures when the timing is right. It’s all a cycle isn’t it? One step forward, two steps back.

February 26, 2011
I am very much starting to feel like I am going to blow a gasket if I don’t make it to the hot room very soon. I’ve been spending most of my waking hours on the annoyingly delayed “top secret project” – but besides that, I’ve been spending quality time with my new husband and my two new stepchildren. In fact, the past two weekends have been filled with bowling, baking, movie-watching, reading to children, and playing board games like chess and scrabble. I’ve had more fun than a session of summer camp, and I know that this time is extremely valuable in all of our lives right now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss my Bikram Yoga like crazy.

Last weekend my stepson stopped in the middle of his breakfast, cocked his head up at me and exclaimed loudly: “Wait a second, why aren’t you at yoga right now?!” My husband and I both found this moment absolutely hilarious, but it struck a chord in me. First, I was proud that the kids are getting solid examples of adults leading healthy lifestyles. Their mother is very active as well, so I know these examples will help to influence their own exercise habits into the future. But it also reminded me of how hard we all work to achieve balance in life. There will be times where your loved ones at home want your presence, but yoga calls. Just know that you can’t have it all at the same time, but even in your absence, your children are benefiting from your healthy habits!

On that note, I’m putting yoga on the calendar for tomorrow morning.

February 20, 2011
Last week I was completely immersed in a project I’ve been working on for months now. It’s still top secret, but I’m getting more and more excited by the minute about “unveiling” it to you. But in the meantime, I miss my Bikram. Besides work, my husband and I have his children for the long weekend. In between craft projects, cooking, working, trips to the park, and a journey to a theater production of “Charlotte’s Web”, I have been daydreaming of the hot room.

If I think hard enough, I can smell the room and feel the heat lull me into that familiar meditative state that I love so dearly. I can almost feel the heat start in my belly and slowly start radiating outward through my limbs. As I toast the grilled cheese sandwiches, I imagine myself in half moon, reaching for whatever I need so desperately in the corner of the room. By the time the dessert muffins were made this evening, I saw myself completely enveloped in the heat, lying in savasana in a most splendid drunken state of bliss.

Even though my body is not in that hot room, my soul rarely leaves. I reassure myself constantly that even though I’m not physically present on the mat, giving a bit of myself to it each day is still good therapy for my body and soul.

February 13, 2011
Having just been married last week, this weekend has been a wonderful one full of introspection and quiet moments with my husband. Unfortunately it’s tough for every moment to be quiet when there are still things to do and places to go. I had a very interesting pause pass while my new stepson, who is only five years old, wanted to join us for a nice Sunday afternoon adventure. As we were getting him bundled up for the cold weather, I was also juggling 5 other tasks: printing out a sheet of paper, answering my cell phone, feeding the dog, folding a shirt, and brushing my teeth. Right in the midst of the hub bub, my stepson looked up at his father and said “I love you Dad” in the clearest, most adorable little raspy boy voice you could imagine.

This moment completely stopped me in my tracks, because it reminded me to always appreciate that which matters most. Amidst all the activity, I was proud of myself for recognizing that the only really important thing was this little boy’s declarative statement to his father. I am known to function with a very high anxiety mindset, thinking that every single thing on my to-do list is of utmost urgency. That if the fax doesn’t get sent, or the shirt doesn’t get folded, mountains will move and all will be lost. But all of this stuff is tiny compared to a moment that may or may not have passed unnoticed if I hadn’t been paying attention.

The same can be said for Bikram Yoga. I remember being a beginner in that room, and feeling totally overwhelmed by the dialogue on some days. There was so much to learn, so much to adjust, so much that was just all out wrong about my practice and my form, that I just wanted to collapse in a heap on the mat and just call it a day. Slowly but surely, I incorporated a similar “I love you Dad” philosophy into my practice that’s plain and simple: keep the bigger picture in mind and don’t worry about the little tasks. Not every single move you make in the hot room is of utmost importance. What is of utmost importance is that you’re there. You’re present on the mat, and you appreciate your life and your body enough to show up.

February 10, 2011
My time management skills have been completely non-existent the past few days. I have thrown myself headfirst into a mystery project that will soon be known to all, but for now, must be kept under wraps. I love the creative process, but I feel like a college student studying for finals. My circadian rhythm has escaped me, I am laser focused, but I keep forgetting to eat. Usually when projects like this hit, my Bikram practice suffers for a few days. Fortunately, my heart is still in it.

I may not be in that hot room physically, but I let a part of my imagination and consciousness slowly waft into it, imagining myself pranayama breathing and letting my tensions go with each drop of sweat. I feel my upper body sail through the air, slipping in one pose and out of another, with a seamless grace as my legs follow suit. I love the ceremonial uniformity, how the dialogue is the same every day but so ridiculously different each time. How your mind chooses when to hear certain instructions when and only when the time is right for you to truly process the information and make it work for you in that moment.

February 8, 2010
Tonight’s yoga class was my third one since ending my hiatus last week. I have not been doing extra sets since returning, and I coincidentally positioned myself between 2 students who chose to do them during class. This “third set” gives the student a chance to open up their bodies even further and go into an advanced version of the original beginner’s posture after the first 2 versions have been completed. The set is usually done during savasana.

Since I’m normally executing these advanced postures, I never really get the chance to see others around me who are doing the same thing. Tonight gave me that opportunity and I’m so glad I gave it to myself. It was such a gift to see these student’s limbs and spines melting into their postures with such peace. It’s strange that even now that I am capable of doing the same things, it’s still a magical sight to watch. It reminded me of the fact that doing this yoga and asking so much of your body in the process is really quite a selfless act.

When you make the first move to create this space in your practice, or in any challenge in life, you are really setting in motion a domino effect. Each one teach one. Someone inspired you with the posture, so as you make moves to go into the posture, you pay that gift forward by inspiring someone else. The coolest thing about this is that it ends up being like a Secret Santa. You may never know who you’re inspiring, but they’ll never forget the gift you gave to them.

February 7, 2011
Clint and I walk a similar route around the neighborhood when I have the time and energy to truly enjoy the fresh air and give my dog’s limbs a chance to stretch out. Whichever route we decide to take, we must always walk under the same highway overpass. If I’m lucky, I’ll catch a glimpse of one of the most inspiring sights I’ve seen to date. It is the sight of an older gentleman sitting in his parked car, playing his guitar. Rain, shine, sleet, or snow, his window is usually rolled down so he can accommodate the full length of the guitar in his arms while he sits and plays. I often look for the head of the guitar jutting out of the line of parked cars in front of me in order to let me know he’s present that day.

Strangely enough, even with the window rolled down, I’ve never actually heard the music he plays. I don’t want to stare, so I just steal tiny glances his way to catch the look on his face. It’s never the typical look of joy or ecstasy often found on performer’s faces. It is a quiet relief that I see. It is the look of a man who must play his guitar in order to release his talents into the world, even if there is no one around to witness or receive them. He is his own audience, and that seems to be enough for him. I like to think of this guitar man as a reminder to always do what brings me the most joy, even if it looks strange or is never even fully appreciated by anyone but myself.

Before working in medical sales, I was a personal trainer with many amazing clients, most of whom were women. Although they came to me with wonderful goals of completing marathons and triathlons, they found it hard to take the first steps in the training process. They expressed that what was stopping them was a fear of “looking stupid”, or not being athletic enough, or having others wonder “who in the world does she think she is out there on the field/trail/road doing drills?”

This is an easy trap to fall into as a woman in American society. You may not look Barbie perfect in your yoga outfit, your sprinting form may start out looking slightly sloppier than Flo Jo’s, or you may think your butt looks too big for your yoga shorts. Whatever the qualm may be, it’s time to look past it to celebrate your true gifts that are dying to rise to the surface.

The guitar man had a specific talent that needed to surface. But I believe all human beings have specific athletic talents living in them. And no matter what you look like out there, it’s time to put your fears aside, roll down the window to start finding your own athlete. Screw the audience.

February 5, 2011
Ever since I can remember, I’ve always cherished my body. But this love revolved first and foremost around its biological structures and capabilities, and very little around what it looked like cosmetically. When I was a child, I used my strong calves to win jump rope contests in field day. My bendy back got me through many impromptu limbo tournaments, and my determined quadriceps shined in running events.

As I matured and felt the societal pressures of being a young woman, I made a conscious effort to look inward and keep a strong appreciation for what my body could do for me as opposed to what it looked like in certain jeans. I’d be lying if I said that this was not a struggle, but I always kept the gratitude for having all of my faculties in the forefront of my mind whenever I was tempted to admonish myself for having body parts I wished looked differently than they did.

I think many of us adults lose the sense of magic that accompanies our love of our bodies when we transition from childhood to adolescence. I was in a spin class several years ago when the instructor announced that she wanted us all to take turns answering one simple question she had for us. The theme of the class was self-love, so I had a feeling of what was coming. The question was simple: which of our body parts do we love most? Everyone was a bit shy, some stating that they loved their sculpted arms, others theirs abs or traps. I was last in line. I proclaimed loudly and dorkily that I loved my heart most, because it hadn’t stopped beating or gotten off-rhythm even once in my 25 years of existence. It was my most loyal and devoted fan, and for that alone, it deserved some fanfare. Everyone just kind of looked away and went back to spinning, writing me off as some weirdo who didn’t listen carefully to instructions.

What has been lost is that love for the genius of human biology. Today in my Bikram Yoga class, I was overwhelmed with the magnitude of what my organs do for me at every moment of every day. Never is this more apparent or amplified than in that hot room. You need your lungs more than you’ve ever needed them before. You can feel you heart working its darndest to push the deoxygenated blood through the pulmonary arteries in order to feed more oxygenated blood to your eagerly waiting limbs. You need your involuntary muscles to do their jobs more than you’ve ever needed anything before in your life.

When studying biology during school and later throughout my career in medicine, I always found it bizarre that the involuntary muscles that make up our most vital organs appear softer, and less striated, giving one the impression that they are somewhat weaker than voluntary muscles. On the contrary, these are the ones that must be the most consistent and have the most endurance in order to keep us alive. These are our unsung heroes. They don’t get the spotlight that our biceps, calves, and abs get just by being closest to the surface of our skin. Perhaps this is why they aren’t as lauded or as obsessed over.

I’ve always been one to root for the underdog in pretty much any situation. This may have something to do with why I’ve considered these organs more than the average fitness freak. Because they have done so much for me, from getting me through jumping rope, to high school track, to every day living, to Bikram Yoga class, I can’t help but be grateful for them and want to give them the best food and exercise I can. Why bother waking up another day worried about “fixing” some small cosmetic issue with your thighs, arms, or butt when you could put that same energy into thanking your organs for working for you every second of every minute just to keep you alive? The ironic part is, in paying back these invisible heroes through exercise and healthy eating, you’ll get a lot fitter than you ever were while focusing on and chastising your visible body parts.

February 4, 2011
The funny thing about being a Bikram Yoga practitioner is, even when you miss class, you’re somehow still present in the room. Once you fall in love with the yoga, or any other form of movement that strikes your fancy, it lives in your heart whether you’re actually physically present during class or not.

I remember when I was twelve years old and absolutely fell hard for playing softball. It was totally my thing. Unfortunately, something totally being “my thing” doesn’t necessarily translate to me being super good at it, but that doesn’t always matter. I was one with that bat, no matter how many times I struck out. And so what if I only played Right Field my entire career? I was dead set on being the most passionate, intense, hard-working right-fielder you’d ever witnessed play on the field.

The whole point of me weaving my softball heyday into my Bikram obsession was just my way of helping to see how much your heart can help dictate what it is your body needs to make you healthy. I don’t always worry about missed days or whether or not I’m really good at the chosen physical activity. All that matters is that I love it so much, I do it in my sleep. That’s when supreme health greets you at your front door.

February 2, 2011
Today I ended a 2 and half week break from Bikram Yoga by finally going back to class and it was wonderful. Since the competition 3 weeks ago, I have done little more than indulge in delicious (but still pretty healthy) food, and work long and hard on making changes to Miss Fitbliss. It was a welcome break after practicing for hours and hours a day in the hot room, but I did start to miss it dearly.

Returning tonight was intimidating. I was fearful of the heat knocking me out, of having to start from scratch again getting used to the heat, or worse, being so thirsty and nauseous that I’d be too miserable to actually make it through class. Funny enough, no matter the fear, or how bad it is, I always do make it through. It may not be a pretty ending, but it’s an ending all the same.

What’s even more ironic is that even though I’ve been practicing this yoga for years, the same fears persist. It may sound unproductive or pointless, but to me, it’s really the beauty of the practice: progress is really just an illusion. Although I’ve taken a major break, my body did an amazing job seamlessly sliding into the poses tonight. But just weeks ago, after practicing what felt like non-stop for months on end, I could barely touch my toes in stretching pose, and my hands to feet pose was more like “crouching down in pain and asking for mercy” pose. My lower back was on fire from so much yoga, but tonight, I felt the benefits of all that hard work.

I could almost feel the loose air between my joints, ligaments, and muscles. It was singing out and asking for more space, more breath, and more depth from me. My body felt like a child, eagerly wanting to show it’s doting parents a new trick she learned on her bike. My body was so eager to repay me after all of the pain, and it was a glorious feeling. But what kept haunting me in a most delicious way is that this is not the end of the story. Never in Bikram Yoga is there everlasting triumph, so you can kiss that fantasy goodbye now.

As a Bikram Yoga student, what you sign up for every day is the humbling notion that you will never practice in the same body twice. That tonight’s gorgeous rabbit will be tomorrow’s tragically stiff cat. That yesterday’s hideously dreaded camel will finally be today’s arch to heaven, when your back finally “gets it” and peels your heart forward to all that is above it, offering it up like a delicacy for the world to relish.

In Bikram I am reminded every second that every second is temporary. That all we have now is all there is. It’s neither there to be taken for granted, nor to be gloated upon, for it never really belonged to you in the first place. Just know that in class, your body is your teacher. Take from it what you will, but know that you get the most from your practice if you know there is no finish line, no winner – no glorious end. What you get instead is your own infinite chain of experiences to learn and grow from – and nothing could make you more triumphant than that.